Wednesday, June 27, 2012

44. The Beginning of the End of Landon*

You remember how in my last post, I told you to never ever ever take a guy's virginity unless you were 100% sure of your feelings for him? Well I promise there is a truth in it.

As crazy as I was about Landon, I just knew the entire time that we were not right for each other AT ALL. I mean, take a look at how our relationship started. He was dating my teammate when we first exchanged numbers. When we first "got together," we lied about the relationship. It took him demanding affection from me in order to go public with the relationship. We both should have known when we had to lie that it was a bad idea. But still, for some reason, we decided to truck on and attempt to have a good relationship.

Like I have said, and preached, and will still continue to preach until the day I die, sex changes everything. After Landon and I had sex, our relationship started to steadily decline. He wanted sex a little more often than I did (we actually did not have sex again while we were together), and I was starting to doubt my feelings for him even more. It didn't help that James* started to come around a little more. You see, while Landon and I were trying to pretend we were very happy together, James started seeing that girl that got in the car wreck. They seemed very happy together, and because I was so madly in love with him, I was happy for him. I just wanted to see him happy. That is all.

But somewhere along the way, there was trouble in paradise for them. I didn't know it at the time, but they ended things. I didn't know why or what exactly happened, but because they had broken up, he started coming around me a little more, even thought it meant he had to be around both Landon and I.

James never told me that him an his girl had ended things. He just kind of showed up. Then came my school's fall break. James played football, and I decided to stay the break with my best girl friend at the time, who just so happened to be a manager for the football team. So she and I stayed up way too late the night before the game, and then got up super early the morning of for the community breakfast.

After the community breakfast, we were really tired, and decided to go hang out at James' house after with him and his brother instead of heading back to her house to nap before the game that night. This is when my true feelings for James came to surface and I had no doubt in my mind that I was still crazy about that kid.

My name is Blake*, and it seems like every story of mine starts out great and ends horribly.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent

Thursday, June 14, 2012

43. The day I became a bad person

After Landon* put his foot down about our relationship, I felt like I was on cloud nine. He was always very supportive of me, and never had any problem sowing me that he cared about me. He would hold my hand and put his arm around me during lunch, visit me between every class period, text me first thing in the morning, and call me every night. All in all he was a wonderful catch. He and I would go to all the high school football games together.

In all honesty, I don't remember a whole lot about our relationship. I just remember that when it all began, I was very happy. We would joke around a lot, and we hardly ever took ourselves serious. It was the perfect high school relationship. Or so I thought. You see, the whole thing about our relationship was that even though he was great to me, I still had the hardest time being over James*. I thought I was crazy because that good friend girl James had? She had been updating her blog about how things were going great between them. So it kind of hurt me that he didn't want a relationship because of baseball, but he was okay with being in a relationship with her. That happens with high school relationships.

So because James didn't seem to want me, I pushed him to the back of my mind. And the more I tried to forget him, the better things became between Landon and I.

As the season was changing from fall to winter, my sports seasons were changing as well. I was pitching the best I had ever pitched in my senior season, and batting a whole lot better than I ever had before, thanks to James' father working with me all summer long. My batting still wasn't anything to talk about, but I actually got hits that season.

Then the end of the season snuck up on me, and playoffs started. As a senior, I knew my last days of playing were coming closer and closer. It stressed me out big time. I took out my frustration on a lot of my friends and family. But no matter how frustrated I was or how bitchy I was to Landon, he never let it get to him. He would just kind of hold me down and tell me I was crazy.

Then, my final game came. We were matched up against another team who had several power hitters. You see, my team was awesome at defense, but we struggled offensively. Not just me, but a lot of us. So when their 4-hole hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 5th, we pretty much knew we were done. As much as I hated playing softball, I was completely miserable about having played my last game. Landon was there after the game to console me, drove me (crying) the whole way to the football game that evening, and then after the game we went back to his house to watch a couple movies while I calmed down. I fell asleep crying.

The next thing I know, I wake up to him poking me in the back. The next thing I know, he's on top of me and we're having sex....and I was taking his virginity. It was like 1 a.m., and I was surprised that I hadn't been called to ask where I was yet (even though I was a senior in high school, I still had a midnight curfew). It didn't last very long, and afterwards I felt like a complete jackass for letting it happen. See the thing about it was that he wanted it to happen, but I was still unsure of my feelings for him. And I knew from my last relationship that sex makes things very complicated. I didn't want it to be like that between Landon and I, and the way it happened was awful. It should not have happened. Period.

My name is Blake*, and never, never, never, never, NEVER take a guy's virginity if you are not 100% completely sure of your feelings for him or if you are not 100% completely sure if he actually wants to lose it.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

42. The day Landon put his foot down

So my senior softball season started a few weeks before classes actually started, and Landon* was at every single one of my games. James* would show up to about one every 3 or 4. By all the definitions, Landon should have been the object of all my affections. For the most part he was. But then James would come along and sweet talk his way into my life for just a second, and it would have me doubting any feelings I had for Landon...

So school started, and on my first day of my senior year, Landon and I would sneak glances at each other in the halls all day. Then lunch came and I sat with my normal lunch crew, and Landon went with his normal lunch crew. Which meant I was sitting with James, and he was sitting across the room watching us. Immediately after school, I had a softball game, which he came to. And James did not.

So after the game, Landon called me, and told me that he either wanted to let everyone know we were together, or we had to end it. Now as I've told you, he was amazingly supportive in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I was being completely selfish about the entire situation, so I agreed to let the whole school know we were together. (This is way before facebook was so popular, so there was no "making it facebook official.")

So the next day, Landon and I sat together at lunch and held hands, letting the whole world know that we were together. At the time, I tried to embrace it. But even though I was loving the attention I was getting from Landon, I still felt like a part of me wanted to be with James. But more on that later.

After school that day, everyone was talking about Landon and I. Asking when Landon and I started hanging out and such. Such is life in a small town. So I spilled my guts to everyone.

My name is Blake*, and every girl loves it when a guy becomes aggressive and takes some control.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so- innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

41. That point where friendships become more than a friendship

I was glad that I got the relief from seeing James* on a regular basis with the summer break. I was super crazy about him, and the daily lunch breaks with him sitting across from me was absolutely torture. So I welcomed summer break with open arms.

Like I mentioned back in this post about NYE my junior year, Fiona* used my phone to talk to her boyfriend Landon*. Landon and I also played basketball together, so he and I got along pretty well. Our friendship developed a lot that summer, as he was my support system. You see, I was going over to James' house almost every day because his father was helping me out with my batting in preparation for my senior year in softball. This means that I was seeing James almost every single day. why yes, I do like torture myself. I kept telling myself that it was to be better my final year of playing softball. James' dad would also make me pitch every single day I was out there too. As much as I hated pitching so often, you could definitely tell the improvement once the season actually started.

Every day after I would leave James' house, Landon would text me and make sure that I was okay. We would even meet up every now and then for lunch and talk through things too. We even went to a couple games of our local minor league baseball team here in town. It was actually during one of those games that we kissed for the first time. I don't exactly know how it happened, but my friendship with Landon developed into more than just a friendship. We kind of kept the relationship to ourselves for the rest of the summer. My family didn't really like him, and his family didn't really like me either (shocking, I know). So he and I would secretly meet up all summer long. I would say I was going to the mall, and then meet him in a nearby park. We would go to baseball games and skip out on them for the last few innings.

As summer was drawing nearer and nearer to a close, he started to ask me what we were going to do once we were around James all the time. I was just kind of in denial and didn't want to talk about anything that was going to be occurring in the future. I basically just told him we'd kind of go with it and see what happens once school started.

But if I were completely honest, neither one of us was happy about the potential of school starting soon...

My name is Blake*, and please, just take my advice. NEVER enter into a relationship when you aren't over someone that you see every day.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

40. Things aren't always what they seem

You see, what I didn't mention in my two previous posts about James* was that he kind of broke my heart. And by kind of, I mean that everything was going really well between the two of us, but three days before my junior prom, THREE FREAKING DAYS, he told me that he couldn't be with me anymore. Back then, James was 110% serious about playing baseball after high school. He had a friend that had a serious girlfriend, and watched the friend slowly lose sight of his dreams to play baseball after high school. However, I was not the same type of girl as the other girlfriend (I never have been and I never will be). It broke my heart to have him let me go like that, but I told him that I understood...I didn't necessarily like it, but you can't force someone to have feelings for you.

Not to mention, a girl that he cared very deeply for had gotten into a horrific car accident and almost lost her life. They had been friends for a majority of their lives, and there's no way I could compete with their relationship. So I took him to a friend's for them to go to the hospital together, and drove away thinking that was the end of James and I.

After prom, we had about three weeks left of school before we were out for the summer. Those three weeks were agonizing. James still sat at our lunch table every day, so I had to endure being around him 24/7 at school while I still wanted to be with him.
The baseball team made it to the state playoffs that year, and I went halfway across the state to watch them. Unfortunately, the lost in the state finals that year, and I so desperately wanted to walk up to James after the game and let him know that I thought he played well and that I was there for him. But the girl friend of his was there, so I just left quietly and put my feelings aside.

I really wish that I was completely happy during my junior prom, but I knew it was going to be one of my last nights with James. It made me so sad because I was crazy about that kid, but I had to respect him and his feelings. So I made myself miserable to make him happy.

My name is Blake*, and I only thought my heart was broken with Henry*. Sadly, this wasn't the last time I let James break my heart.


*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent.