Thursday, June 14, 2012

43. The day I became a bad person

After Landon* put his foot down about our relationship, I felt like I was on cloud nine. He was always very supportive of me, and never had any problem sowing me that he cared about me. He would hold my hand and put his arm around me during lunch, visit me between every class period, text me first thing in the morning, and call me every night. All in all he was a wonderful catch. He and I would go to all the high school football games together.

In all honesty, I don't remember a whole lot about our relationship. I just remember that when it all began, I was very happy. We would joke around a lot, and we hardly ever took ourselves serious. It was the perfect high school relationship. Or so I thought. You see, the whole thing about our relationship was that even though he was great to me, I still had the hardest time being over James*. I thought I was crazy because that good friend girl James had? She had been updating her blog about how things were going great between them. So it kind of hurt me that he didn't want a relationship because of baseball, but he was okay with being in a relationship with her. That happens with high school relationships.

So because James didn't seem to want me, I pushed him to the back of my mind. And the more I tried to forget him, the better things became between Landon and I.

As the season was changing from fall to winter, my sports seasons were changing as well. I was pitching the best I had ever pitched in my senior season, and batting a whole lot better than I ever had before, thanks to James' father working with me all summer long. My batting still wasn't anything to talk about, but I actually got hits that season.

Then the end of the season snuck up on me, and playoffs started. As a senior, I knew my last days of playing were coming closer and closer. It stressed me out big time. I took out my frustration on a lot of my friends and family. But no matter how frustrated I was or how bitchy I was to Landon, he never let it get to him. He would just kind of hold me down and tell me I was crazy.

Then, my final game came. We were matched up against another team who had several power hitters. You see, my team was awesome at defense, but we struggled offensively. Not just me, but a lot of us. So when their 4-hole hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 5th, we pretty much knew we were done. As much as I hated playing softball, I was completely miserable about having played my last game. Landon was there after the game to console me, drove me (crying) the whole way to the football game that evening, and then after the game we went back to his house to watch a couple movies while I calmed down. I fell asleep crying.

The next thing I know, I wake up to him poking me in the back. The next thing I know, he's on top of me and we're having sex....and I was taking his virginity. It was like 1 a.m., and I was surprised that I hadn't been called to ask where I was yet (even though I was a senior in high school, I still had a midnight curfew). It didn't last very long, and afterwards I felt like a complete jackass for letting it happen. See the thing about it was that he wanted it to happen, but I was still unsure of my feelings for him. And I knew from my last relationship that sex makes things very complicated. I didn't want it to be like that between Landon and I, and the way it happened was awful. It should not have happened. Period.

My name is Blake*, and never, never, never, never, NEVER take a guy's virginity if you are not 100% completely sure of your feelings for him or if you are not 100% completely sure if he actually wants to lose it.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent

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