43. The day I became a bad person

After Landon* put his foot down about our relationship, I felt like I was on cloud nine. He was always very supportive of me, and never had any problem sowing me that he cared about me. He would hold my hand and put his arm around me during lunch, visit me between every class period, text me first thing in the morning, and call me every night. All in all he was a wonderful catch. He and I would go to all the high school football games together.

In all honesty, I don't remember a whole lot about our relationship. I just remember that when it all began, I was very happy. We would joke around a lot, and we hardly ever took ourselves serious. It was the perfect high school relationship. Or so I thought. You see, the whole thing about our relationship was that even though he was great to me, I still had the hardest time being over James*. I thought I was crazy because that good friend girl James had? She had been updating her blog about how things were going great between them. So it kind of hurt me that he didn't want a relationship because of baseball, but he was okay with being in a relationship with her. That happens with high school relationships.

So because James didn't seem to want me, I pushed him to the back of my mind. And the more I tried to forget him, the better things became between Landon and I.

As the season was changing from fall to winter, my sports seasons were changing as well. I was pitching the best I had ever pitched in my senior season, and batting a whole lot better than I ever had before, thanks to James' father working with me all summer long. My batting still wasn't anything to talk about, but I actually got hits that season.

Then the end of the season snuck up on me, and playoffs started. As a senior, I knew my last days of playing were coming closer and closer. It stressed me out big time. I took out my frustration on a lot of my friends and family. But no matter how frustrated I was or how bitchy I was to Landon, he never let it get to him. He would just kind of hold me down and tell me I was crazy.

Then, my final game came. We were matched up against another team who had several power hitters. You see, my team was awesome at defense, but we struggled offensively. Not just me, but a lot of us. So when their 4-hole hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 5th, we pretty much knew we were done. As much as I hated playing softball, I was completely miserable about having played my last game. Landon was there after the game to console me, drove me (crying) the whole way to the football game that evening, and then after the game we went back to his house to watch a couple movies while I calmed down. I fell asleep crying.

The next thing I know, I wake up to him poking me in the back. The next thing I know, he's on top of me and we're having sex....and I was taking his virginity. It was like 1 a.m., and I was surprised that I hadn't been called to ask where I was yet (even though I was a senior in high school, I still had a midnight curfew). It didn't last very long, and afterwards I felt like a complete jackass for letting it happen. See the thing about it was that he wanted it to happen, but I was still unsure of my feelings for him. And I knew from my last relationship that sex makes things very complicated. I didn't want it to be like that between Landon and I, and the way it happened was awful. It should not have happened. Period.

My name is Blake*, and never, never, never, never, NEVER take a guy's virginity if you are not 100% completely sure of your feelings for him or if you are not 100% completely sure if he actually wants to lose it.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. Mostly, I'm the not-so-innocent

22. The day I became a woman (at too young an age)

I should have known that the random fighting for no reason would eventually ruin Henry* and I. No one should argue as much as we did, especially at the ages of 18 and 16. What did we have to be unhappy about?

After Valentine's Day, I started feeling like we needed to break up. I couldn't exactly explain why, I just felt like it needed to happen. I think he could sense that I felt that way, and started to be super nice and sweet to me. It reminded me of how our relationship was in the beginning.

March 7th is a day that will go down in infamy in the history of Blake*.
It was a Saturday, and we made our usual date plans to go and get dinner and a movie. Henry's parents were separated, and one of them was out of town for the entire weekend. We made plans all week that this would be the night we finally had sex. At that point, I was the only one of my friends still holding on to my virginity, Lizzie* and Tony* had been having sex for a couple months. They even asked me multiple times why I hadn't "given it up yet."

We actually went to a local steakhouse, where he splurged more money on me. I'm sure it was all in the effort to prove to me that he did love me (we had been saying "I love you" for a couple weeks at that point), and that all the fighting wasn't going to break us apart. While we were out to dinner, I was so nervous about what was coming that I convinced him to skip the movie so we could just go back to his parent's place an "get it overwith." Luckily he didn't take offense to that because he knew how nervous I was. Heath* knew what was going on, so he stayed away from the house until way later in the evening.

I wish I could say that it was magical and I loved it. But first time sex is awful and horrible. I was so nervous that I had a hard time...preparing for it all, and he finally helped me out. As soon as he was inside me, I started crying. NOTHING can prepare you for the first time you have sex. I had been told by lots of people that it hurt the first time, but I just had no idea how bad it would hurt. Because I was crying, he asked if I wanted to stop. I told him no, that I just wanted to get it over with. He felt bad that he was making me cry so he stopped. I literally curled up in a ball on his bed and laid there for a while. Henry kept asking what he could do to make me feel better. Nothing could have helped.

Later on in the night, we got into the hot tub to try to relax. We were attempting to try again in the hot tub, but it was just too painful for me. It was while we were out in the hot tub that Henry's brother Heath came home with his girlfriend. He came out, yelled "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" And ran back inside the house. Henry and I decided that having sex that night was a lost cause, so we got out of the hot tub and went inside. I then returned home later that night and acted as if nothing happened.

My name is Blake, and I lost my virginity at the age of 16. I thought I was old enough to deal with everything that meant, but looking back on it I know I was entirely WAY too young to have sex then. I hope that if ANY 16 year old girls are reading this, they will listen to me when I say HOLD ON TO IT FOR A WHILE LONGER! It will be worth it eventually. I promise.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent